another day | cgkinkmemeii. PART ONE | [ FINISHED ]

[dirtybirdie]

title: another day, part one.
rating: pg-thirteen-ish?
summary: he missed it, perhaps a bit too much.
pairings: lelouch/suzaku, strongly implied schneizel/suzaku.
warning: u h m. 8|a implied violence, brief suggestive scenes, and a few implied sex scenes that aren't in this part.

herpderp it turned into longfic and took me for-fucking-ever I'M SORRY--

-- but ;u; enjoy.

It was just another day, he thinks, as he runs the tips of his fingers down the empty space of the bed sheets next to him, lethargic on a Sunday morning in a peaceful, but imperfect world.

Another day - one earlier than this - he came back to his room in the same mood as always (though he isn't quite sure he can call it a mood if he's just going day-to-day with the same routine over and over again, rinse and repeat). Not noticing anything different at first, Suzaku (ZeroZeroZero) goes straight to the dresser (the one with the drapes over the mirror) and slowly takes the mask off.

It's another day, too, that the little Empress would try and get him to take off his mask. She, with her big blue eyes and long, golden-brown hair, confined to her wheelchair for the rest of her life due to paralysis that doctors can't cure. Once again, he does not abide by her wish, by her order, no longer because he can't but because he doesn't want to. She's Lelouch's little sister, someone he's sworn to protect; Nunnally doesn't need to see his face, doesn't need to know, for sure, who's under that mask.

And, it's not in that last order to follow her orders. Suzaku is to keep the mask on for the rest of his life; there are no 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts' about it, no exception to that rule (besides Schneizel, who he would sometimes call to chase the monsters away, because it is Schneizel who Zero trusts even in his age and broken Geass).

It's only optimism that keeps Nunnally from giving up hope that one day she'll be able to get Lord Zero to take his mask off and it'll reveal her beloved and most dear friend.

Suzaku will not allow either of them that sort of comfort- especially not when there’s yet another rebellion brewing. He’s closer to asking Schneizel where he keeps the spare F.L.E.I.J.A. than he was before.

The mask came off with a soft hiss and slight scuffle, part of it getting caught on the tip of one of his curls, making him have to reach back and untangle it. He makes a mental note to take the scissors to it after he takes a shower, grunting a quiet disapproval at his hair. Annoying, he thinks, but doesn’t voice it.

He’s halfway through tugging his cravat off when a soft laugh brings him out of his tired state, green eyes snapping in the direction of the voice and body poised to strike with all of the viciousness he possesses.

What catches his attention first is a pair of violet eyes (closed forever as he remembered them, a face endlessly pale and eyelashes dark against his skin), making him falter for just one moment because it’s just been too long since Suzaku seen a shade of purple quite that dark in the hue of someone’s eyes (Cornelia’s daughter’s eyes - they named her Euphemia, he noted dimly back then - couldn’t quite match this color).

Next is black hair and skin a healthier color than the elder can remember, and, really- really, what is he doing noting all of this? Whatever happened to strike before catching the tail end of a punch aimed right at his face or a knife to his back, anyway?

“Suzaku Kururugi.”

Commanding, dark, and hauntingly familiar, the voice made his back snap into a straight line, hand shooting for the space over his own heart as his eyes widen with just how alert he is. His mind screams at him to grab the nearest projectile and throw it -- confirm his reality or, even better, destroy the thing that is trying to make him go through that confirmation. He only ever hears Lelouch's voice in his dreams these days.

Dreams that, every now and again, are not filled with blood staining pristine white walls or the sound of deafening shrieks that only bounce off of the walls and never ever end. It's almost enough to drive a man mad, and Suzaku doesn't know how he hasn't lost his mind because of it yet. Though, seeing someone who is supposed to be dead -- sitting on his bed, no less -- could be the breaking point Schneizel would always talk about.

The pin of the cravat slips from his fingers and falls to the floor, rolling against the carpet.

The figure on his bed (LelouchLelouchLelouch) hums softly in approval before folding his thin hands neatly over his crossed legs, as he peers at Suzaku through black eyelashes. He’s dressed in non formal wear, something Suzaku would see him in often enough in the past (jeans, a shirt matching Suzaku’s, and a red jacket), and he seems to be picking the (now?) older man apart then.

“At ease,” he says after a moment of silence, and continues only when the other reluctantly releases most of the tension out of his shoulders and drops his hand, “You don’t seem very surprised.”

In truth, Suzaku is surprised. It's not every day that a dead person shows up in his room and picks him apart; he wouldn't have been very surprised if his father showed up one of these days. However, he’s gotten better at hiding it… partially thanks to Schneizel, of course; he would have a hand in most of Suzaku’s experience now, having helped prepare his Lord just in case someone found out who he really was. (“I can’t imagine what people would do if they were always able to read you as well as I do!”)

Naturally, the process he went through was torturous at best -- Suzaku wasn’t a liar, after all -- but his aide was patient with him even through the most mind blowing situations.

(Every part of Suzaku loved Schneizel unconditionally for that and gave the Second Prince whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it, should it never coincide with something Nunnally needed.)

“Lelouch,” he finally croaks, unsure of what he should say.

(Hallucination? Did he stick himself with Refrain again - no, no, not possible. That foppy-haired Prince of his was cross when he took that away, and Suzaku didn’t need that on his head again.)

In that, he remembers a conversation he and that Prince had when his Geass broke and Suzaku noticed. He remembers looking on hopelessly at the other that night, his expression not hiding the betrayal he felt (it wasn’t Schneizel’s fault, though, because if Nunnally could overcome the Geass, then it was really only a matter of time until the older one did, too). Only gloved hands on his cheeks served as his anchor - and he cried, he really, really cried - as (his) that Prince told him not to worry.

Suzaku never made Schneizel do anything he didn’t want to do, weaving in and out of the hazed conscious only the Geassed possessed but knowing if anything would end up different because Nunnally would tell him.

All good deeds are rewarded in some way; so that Prince-turned-enemy-turned-Geassed-ally-turned-friend made a promise. The son of the deceased Prime Minister would hold him to it to this very day.

It’s anger that bubbles up in Suzaku’s chest, strong and true, as he snarls at the man on his bed (can’t be Lelouch, just can’t be), “No… who are you? How did you get in here?”

As far as the ex-knight knows, only he, Schneizel, and Nunnally have keys to this room (Nunnally's key being only for emergencies, however), and it's not like Schneizel to give away his own- especially not to his dead younger brother who, by the way, would sooner strangle the white prince than ask him for his help. Time changes people, perhaps enough for Lelouch to be alright with his older brother's presence, but not enough to dim the man's outrageous sense of pride.

At that, an elegant brow raises and legs uncross as ‘Lelouch’ gets up from the bed and walks over to the ex-knight in graceful strides. “Have you gone blind? Surely these years haven’t taken their toll on your yet,” he says, all familiarly arrogant tones and biting words. If Suzaku has to guess, he would say that Lelouch is just chiding at him like he's a child; he would also say that he isn't a child and that Lelouch should shut his mouth.

The years haven't taken their toll yet, surprisingly enough; as a matter of fact, the only thing those years have done is make him taller -- something he isn't quite sure is a bad thing, because now he's taller than Lelouch -- which made him fill out a little bit more. Routine morning workouts have him still in shape and, possibly, stronger than before. He's sure that that is a bad thing. While more meat on his bones never hurt anything, his capabilities have far surpassed what they were before. There's no doubt in his mind that he can protect Nunnally.

Protecting Nunnally from himself, however, is another thing completely.

Lelouch reaches the other and crosses his arms over his chest, eyes surveying the still stiff figure as he tsks, “I came in through the door, if you must know.” And then, he makes a grand gesture to his side at the door.

Surprised, Suzaku shakes his head frantically and looks at Lelouch incredulously. “Impossible! The key and the code-“

“- are both the same as it was when I rested here, yes, I know,” is the lazy drawl he lets roll off his eloquent tongue. "You never changed it. Was it because it was easy to remember, or am I to think that my knight missed me?"

The correct answer is the latter of the two, but when ‘Lelouch’ raises his hand and reaches out to press it to ‘his knight’s’ chest, Suzaku hisses much like an angry cat and jerks away enough to hit his shoulder on the dresser behind him. It’s hard enough to knock Zero’s mask to the floor, where Suzaku stumbles back and none-too-gracefully trips over it, sending himself lurching back and onto his behind.

Unfortunately for them both, he also hits his head hard enough on the floor to black out. Lelouch is probably bewildered if that look on his face tells Suzaku anything, but it's nothing he worries about as he gives Lelouch once last look before his vision fades.

He doesn't want to dream but he ends up dreaming of more gentle, happier times, holding Lelouch’s hand and thinking of telling him that he’ll never let him go as Lelouch tells him his plans for the future of Britannia, for the future of just them. The sun sets over them there, and Suzaku says nothing to him, instead nodding when they're suddenly in a church and Lelouch is holding his bloodied mask close to his even more bloody chest. Lelouch tells him that all he has to do is kill him and he wears that infuriating smile on his face.

Dark bangs fall in his face as he shakes his head, and the smile is gone soon enough when he looks to the side. Suzaku thinks that he says something about 'goodbye'.

When Suzaku comes to, Lelouch is gone.

The next day, he’s anxious; wringing his hands when he’s alone (or with Schneizel, always with Schneizel, who just looks at him like he’s a mad man, and perhaps that holds some semblance of truth) and taking the time to nervously glance around every corner, afraid Lelouch will suddenly pop up again. It’s frustrating to say the least, having to yet again watch his back for the things that shouldn’t be there.

Even Nunnally notices, at which point she reaches out and puts her hands over his and asks him what's wrong as she sits in front of him in her wheelchair. Suzaku is sitting on only the finest the palace has to offer (it's more than likely his aide's doing in hopes that he'll get over whatever is wrong with him by just being in it), fingers fixated around the black king chess piece, twiddling it in his fingers. His hands are not slender and elegant; they are practiced (fixed over the years in the army with perfect practice because perfect practice makes perfect) and calloused under his gloves. They are hands used to the handle of a gun, the handle of a sword, and picking their owner up from the ground when beaten down. His knuckles still probably have tiny scars from where they'd break and he had never known until he had been x-rayed.

A smile makes its way to Nunnally's face when Suzaku nods at her (I'm okay), but she doesn't let his hands go. She keeps them in hers, squeezing them as she says, "We'll be alright. I will not allow war to come to this world again. Brother would be disappointed if I did, and so would you, wouldn't you?"

No, he wants to say, I could never be disappointed in you. As is, all he can do is shake his head mutely. He will not allow war to break out again, either; he would have Schneizel enlist the help of Nina before that happened.

Nunnally is taken out of the room by Sayoko, and as her hands slip from his he finally speaks up, "I believe in you, Empress."

This smile is completely worth it.

He’s so far out of it after that that he doesn’t protest when there are hands on his mask, taking it off as soon as the back retracts. Suzaku does, however, protest with a quiet noise when those same hands drops the mask into his lap and start ruffling his hair- affectionately the younger knows, Schneizel’s hands no longer a burden to have near him.

“What is it?” He asks, an age old smile etched onto his face, fond and waiting as his hands stay on Suzaku’s head.

Suzaku looks up at him through his eyelashes, completely disorientated as he says, “You’re doing that thing again, you know.” The last part comes out quieter than when he began, feeling fingers massage his scalp gently.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. That thing you do, where you treat me like a child,” he grumbles without the bite it would have had, had Schneizel’s hands on his head felt any less pleasant than they did.

Smooth bastard always knows how to get to him.

And, he can almost hear the other man’s amused smile before Suzaku hears him say, “Yes, well, you are younger than me, if I’m remembering correctly.”

“Yes, but… I’m older now, you know. You don’t need to keep doing this for me.”

“What if I told you I was doing it because I wanted to? Would you believe me?”

Suzaku doesn’t answer that because, yes, he would believe that. He’d believe it in half a heartbeat, more so than the possibility of Lelouch having taken C.C.’s Code before he died, even though C.C. disappeared not soon after ‘Suzaku Kururugi’ died. But, then again, he would always believe Schneizel.

Schneizel would never lie to him and Suzaku would never hurt him.

“Ah, and you’re doing that thing again,” he points out, voice as smooth as velvet when his fingers stop their motions against Suzaku’s head, slipping down to the sides to physically turn Suzaku’s face up to his.

There’s a dumb look there (kindly) asking Schneizel just what the fuck he’s about to go on about, before lips open to voice the question-

“You’re thinking too much.”

And automatically snapping shut with an audible click at that, teeth nearly snagging on the fabric covering Suzaku’s mouth.

It’s at this time that the now-symbol shakes his head and the hands on his face tug him up and out of his seated position on the chair he occupied, something that Suzaku could have stopped if he really wanted to, concern marring the Prince’s brow.

What’s wrong.

Truth be told, he doesn’t know what’s wrong. The notion that Lelouch is alive should have been something to rejoice about, something that shouldn’t have made him so anxious, but when Suzaku’s body is practically buzzing with negativity…

Eventually, his head leans on Schneizel’s shoulder, not needing to be guided there for him to allow his sanity to be comforted at least this much.

“Lelouch is dead, right?” He asks as his voice cracks slightly with the emotion came right up and grabbed him by the throat.

One hand clasps the back of his neck and he sighs, letting it stay there as the other speaks, “Of course. Why would you think any different?” A pregnant pause. “Are you having those dreams again?”

Another pause as Suzaku blinks.

“A dream?” It’s entirely possible. He did open his eyes to find Lelouch gone. But, even so…

(“You never changed it. Was it because it was easy to remember, or am I to think that my knight missed me?”)

He sighs again and ends up burrowing his face against Schneizel’s shoulder. “No. I didn’t have one… I don’t- think I did, at least. I’m sorry,” he whispers, trying hard not to just break down like he wants to. It’s shameful; a grown man crying. Lelouch would give him a good thwapping for that, and C.C. would just laugh and poke fun at him.

That’s what sets his accomplices and the only one at Zero’s side apart.

“Should I go check your room for you, then?”

Oh, he knows that tone. He knows that tone all too well, and it reeks of suspiciousness and Suzaku doesn’t like it one bit. He’s torn between wanting to tell Schneizel no, and just letting him go ahead and do it.

In the end he nods and leads the way, grabbing the fallen Zero mask from its sideways perch on the floor and slipping it back over his head.

When Schneizel doesn’t find what he’s looking for there (“I’m just making sure. You’ve proven yourself very capable of sneaking dangerous things into the palace.”), having metaphorically flipped the room upside down and inside out (“Ah, I’m pleased that you wouldn’t take such a habit up again.”), he turns to his Lord-in-name with a smile on his face that certainly solidifies the point that he’s pleased.

With a snort of trepidation, Suzaku walks to Schneizel’s side in the middle of the room, raising a gloved hand of his own and running it through wavy blond locks with nothing short of a weathered, but warm smile.

He remembers a time when they were enemies, firing upon each other without the ridiculous bother of mercy under their own beliefs. He also remembers a time when they were allies, him under the Prince in a field of burning Knightmares and unblinking corpses.

And then, finally, “Be safe on your vacation.” I’ll miss you. “Don’t get into too much trouble without me there.” It’s weird, of course, how in this moment Japan’s old symbol doesn’t feel a day over eighteen, an old emotion curling up in his gut and twisting like a knife- something that feels both foreign and familiar at the same time.

All he gets as a response to that is that strange little smile his aide smiles sometimes.

“I’ll miss you too, Suzaku.”

Immediately after Schneizel leaves the room (neither him nor his Lord very good at ‘goodbyes’, despite the short time they’ll be away from each other), Suzaku walks straight to his closet and grabs the handles of the doors, twisting and throwing them open with the force of an angry elephant.

There Lelouch stands, his hands hanging on to the railing above him, body comfortable between the extra Zero suits and capes that hung up there. He’s in different clothes today (a hideous pinkish shirt, and everything else is white in the corner of Suzaku’s mind), and his lips are up in a deceptively calm smile.

“Hello, Suzaku.”

Suzaku slams the closet doors shut right in Lelouch’s face, forcing them off of their hinges and effectively breaking them.

The old Emperor walks out, brushing off his shoulder from where stray pieces of wood fell, giving the fallen doors one pitiable glance before looking to his knight. The knight who is doing his best impression of a sulking puppy in front of the dresser, mask off, cravat pin pulled, and cravat undone. Lelouch’s lips thin into a line as he watches the other undress for a moment (peeling the darker jacket away before ridding himself of the lighter one underneath), until his lips move on their own because he’d rather not bite his own tongue off in an attempt to keep quiet.

“So I see that you and Schneizel have gotten closer,” he notes, moving to stand next to Suzaku. His eyes are glued to the drapes, hands itching to pull them to see what was being hidden underneath them. Looking at the bulge smack dab in the middle, he had a pretty good idea what was under there.

When Suzaku ignores him, Lelouch speaks again, “His Geass is broken. Are you aware of that?”

Of course Suzaku’s nagging conscious would take the form of Lelouch vi Britannia. He should have expected it when he seen him the first time.

Suzaku’s hands clench and unclench once, stepping over the clothes on the floor as he makes his way to his bed and flops over on it. His face presses into the fluffy pillows and all he wants to do is bury himself under a bunch of blankets like a little kid and fall asleep until Schneizel comes back. But, as is, all he can do for now is roll around on the bed until the next morning and get back to work.

“Suzaku, don’t ignore me. These are very important matters to talk about, and I think it’s about time you told me what was going on.”

Ah, right. There’s that, too- whatever that is. It’s definitely not a Refrain-induced hallucination. Maybe it’s stress-induced… yes. That must be it. He smiles triumphantly against the pillows and inhales the scent of- of… Lelouch. Yes. His bed smells like Lelouch and Suzaku likes it that way.

“I know his Geass is broken. It’s been broken for the last ten years,” he pauses after he finally answers through gritted teeth and sighs, rolling onto his side and keeping his back to his hallucination in a show that he did not accept its presence there. “Give or take a year, maybe.”

“How?”

“How did Nunnally break the Geass she was under?”

Touché.

Lelouch’s brows knit and hold for a split second before he moves forward and settles on the bed. Suzaku ignores the dip on the bed in favor of closing eyes and curling up closer to the corner of the bed, where the plethora of pillows are currently located for the lack of care to equally distribute them on the large bed.

“Don’t get too close to Schneizel,” Lelouch says, vaguely, and it almost sounds like an order. But, Zero takes no orders from the dead, and Suzaku is too old for orders.

Of course it would be that that made him counter with, "Whether I get close to him or not is none of your business. He's my aide. My very precious aide." Who attempts to play pranks on Suzaku every now and again to 'lighten the dreary mood' he causes from time to time. This includes, but is never limited to, snatching Zero's mask from time to time and switching the suits in the closet out with casual clothing.

Needless to say, Suzaku has gotten him back for every time he's pulled something under his nose.

It’s quiet after that, the weight on top of the bed unmoving from either side. The brunet almost finds himself able to fall asleep, kept awake only by the disconcerting sound of Lelouch breathing, tucking an arm under his head when the other moves up the bed and lays there next to him like a dead weight.

The old knight can’t help it when tears build up in the corners of his eyes, comforted only by the thought that this - maybe, perhaps, hopefully - would pass soon, and he wouldn’t have to worry about the dead or the living. Suzaku’s just so tired and he hasn’t been able to sleep well for years; he’s getting too old for that little thing called ‘hope’, only to have it crushed under his three-inch heel.

He’s getting too old for a lot of things- the world, for instance, is getting too tiresome with its constant knack for getting into wars.

Lelouch is close enough now that he can actually feel the (artificial) warmth seeping into his back, and he realizes with a sudden epiphanic clarity that he wants Lelouch to touch him (as if it would make concrete the fact that he was indeed here and by Suzaku’s side, instead of off somewhere with C.C. of all people or buried six feet underground). Just once- he’d never be so selfish as to ask for it more than that. All he needs is one solid touch to know that Lelouch is actually there.

“I wish you were real,” he whispers brokenly to the ghost behind him, grabbing a pillow from above his head and pulling it into his arms so he could clutch it like a lifeline.

He lay there, chanting Lelouch’s name for God knows how long (a ritual he’d often repeat on nights when he felt just a little too lonely and calling Schneizel wasn’t an option) before there is an irritated sigh from behind him and the words, “I am real, idiot.”

("I accept that Geass.")

And, just for a moment, Suzaku wants it to be true so that he could reach back and hold Lelouch’s hand until he fell asleep.

Instead, he falls asleep to the sound of his dead name being murmured into his ear, hot breath fanning across his face soothingly.

Suzaku completely misses the look Lelouch throws him when he sees his Emperor robes under the expanse of pillows.

It takes a week for Suzaku to fall into the somewhat comfortable, somewhat unnerving routine of waking up with his clothes for the day folded neatly on the foot of the bed for him and coming back to the room later that night to see his very much deceased Emperor chilling out at Zero’s (formerly Lelouch’s) desk, going through the paperwork there with a reckless sort of abandon.

He doesn’t complain; as long as the work gets done, then he doesn’t really care who does it. Schneizel usually has his hands full with it, but he would be gone the rest of the month so Suzaku is left to fend for himself for the time being. Not minding it too much, he knows that Schneizel needs this time off; it’s been too long since the Prince just took a break, and the younger of the duo is all too happy to let him have this time to himself. Considering the talking to it took for the Prince to be convinced that he even needed the break- well, it’s well worth it.

But, it doesn't stop him from feeling the crushing loneliness without the only person he can rely on other than himself around. He feels it a week into the month, when he's pacing around his room with a lack of something to do after talking with Nunnally about what she plans on doing to the rebellion brewing (something about refusing to let the sister of the Demon Emperor rule- really, people were so blind).

Lelouch is watching him with a cocked eyebrow, looking nothing short of amused behind the desk, all of the necessary paperwork finished- for the week, at that. He's twisting a black chess piece between his thumb and forefinger, eyes shimmering in such a way that makes Suzaku slightly uncomfortable, but nothing on an unbearable level.

After a long while of Suzaku just pacing and Lelouch toying with his chess piece, the elder of the two speaks up, "You've given up." He points out, setting the piece down so he could fold his hands over the desk and smile at his ex knight. "Haven't you, Zero?"

Suzaku's eyes roll as he moves to finally collapse on the bed, arms out in an open, quasi- embrace. "It doesn't matter. I don't have a choice other than to follow your order, right? If things get out of hand, I'll step in," he says, one arm moving to cover his eyes. His mouth hands open a moment, before closing as he shakes his head.

The other male sighs and pushes himself out of his chair, slowly moving around the desk and across the carpet. His footsteps are heavy on the rudje, white and gold on red (he put his robes back on to keep them from ending up under Suzaku's pillows yet again tonight), carrying him to the space in front of the other, staring down at him through dark eyelashes. Lelouch waits and waits- waits, at least, until Suzaku lifts his forearm to peer up at him.

Two minutes of silence and just watching Lelouch, Suzaku pushes himself up and gives 'Lelouch' a tired look.

"Is there something else you'd like to say, Your Majesty? A stab at my pride- perhaps even a poke to my ego?" Or whatever is left of it.

"No," Lelouch begins, walking forward and kneeling down on the bed, the pen he brought with him being clenched in his palm, "I'd like to test something. Be good for me and stay still, alright."

He doesn't have enough time to reply because Lelouch has already risen his hand and pen, swiftly coming down onto Suzaku's shoulder.

It never pierces through, however, because strong self control stops the blunt edge of the pen. Instead, it lands gently on top of his shoulder and drags down his chest slowly, the prodding making him shiver slightly when it reaches his-

Suzaku slaps the pen away as his face burns with the impending blush.

"Enough!" He exclaims, only a little disorientated when Lelouch laughs. It's a pretty laugh- nothing like the manic laugh or the razor sharp laughs through white-teethed smiles. This is a laugh he hasn't heard in twenty years, too; but, he just narrows his eyes with some steadying amount of emotion, real and true even with his eyes dulling every year that passes without happiness.

A moment of silence is needed when Lelouch pulls away to languidly walk across the room and retrieve the pen that Suzaku oh so brashly slapped out of his hand. His gait is slow, relaxed, and it's easy to follow; it's too late for Suzaku to stop himself from raising his hand to reach out and follow his old king's lazy movements.

And, when Lelouch picks the pen up and says, "You're so rough," turning back to Suzaku, it's too late then too for Suzaku to stop the tears.

(The last time he saw Lelouch as Suzaku, the dark-haired male was caressing his face as he lay on the bed crying from the realization that he would have to kill the other in a few short hours. He was smiling down at him as Suzaku looked up and, in that moment, Suzaku probably realized a lot of things. I need you. I want you here with me. He mouthed his name, unable to find his voice at that moment, and Lelouch's warm hand left him, replaced by the more gentle smile Lelouch only ever showed he and Nunnally.

"I'm going to leave first. Make sure you shower and eat something."

Six hours later, Suzaku ran him through with a sword in a smooth, but forced motion as he tried hard for Lelouch. He tried not to shake, tried not to call out to Lelouch before the sword sank into his body to run move out of the way hurry please go. Lelouch smiled for him again -- a sad, quiet smile- a smile only he would see -- and gave him last order as he leaned on Suzaku (the only time) one last time.

The night before Lelouch died, the brunet wouldn't touch him. He laid down on the couch and Lelouch on the bed. But, when Suzaku woke up he was in the bed with the {beautiful} Emperor next to him, looking completely at peace.)

Now, with Lelouch looking at him -- lost and without words -- unsure of what to do as Suzaku lays there with the heels of his palms pressing against hi eyes, the younger male is grateful they have never touched romantically. The sense of loss that he would have experienced if he and Lelouch were intimate is something that he can't fathom, both disastrous and crushing. Not that losing his best (and only) friend isn't harrowing to begin with, but if he had lost the Britannian while he was his lover...

He doesn't want to imagine just how much pain he would be suffering from. Just entertaining the thoughts made Suzaku's head hurt, a dull throb that makes him suck in a shuddery breath.

"Suzaku," Lelouch whispers as he cautiously takes long strides back to the still grieving man, sliding in bed to sit on his knees next to the other. "I suppose we can't have a decent conversation without you breaking down, hmm?" He leans over, then, to drape himself across Suzaku's chest, the white and gold and blue of his half-cloak brushing against Suzaku's gloved hands and tickling the skin under the gloves gently, making the owner flinch violently as if it burned him while his mind tangles itself in a web of intangible words and phrases. "Tell me, Suzaku: what would you do if I told you I had taken C.C.'s code and became immortal before Zero Requiem was carried out?"

There's a moment where he actually thinks about it. He thinks, and thinks, and overthinks, and thinks again before he comes to his own kind of decision, before he can really say (with certainty) that he'd hurt Lelouch. He has cried more in the last week than he has in the last twenty years, but he can truly say that he would

Lelouch's smile is nasty and sharp when Suzaku stops his quiet tears and looks at him with dim green eyes, half-lidding in his twenty-year exhaustion, puffy, and dark ringed. "I would break every bone in your body," he says, humorless and blunt. "And when you healed, I would do it again."

Instead of being frightened or even appalled, the once-Emperor looks relieved and even moves to throw his leg over Suzaku's hip.

"If I told you it was to protect Nunnally?"

"I would tell you to stop treating her like a fucking child," he bites out, because he has made the mistake of doing that, "She's a big girl, now; hardly needs you there holding her hand in the shadows every step of the way."

At that, Lelouch rocks back to settle on his thighs, affronted as his brows furrow in his agitation.

It's hot outside even during the night and they both know it will be blazing come the afternoon, but Suzaku only has six hours to do exactly what he told Lelouch he would do. When Lelouch raises a hand to brush the bangs over his forehead to show his dear knight the red sigil on his forehead, once dim eyes spark back to life with the hot, livid and boiling rage the owner is feeling. And, perhaps it is foolish, but he really does break (most of?) Lelouch's bones that day, as if the (un)satisfying crack of each one could make up for the years he (and Nunnally and Schneizel and Lloyd and Cecile and Sayoko and Jeremiah and Anya) had spent with the burden of Lelouch's death on his shoulders.

The years he had spent thinking he killed his one and only best friend (Emperor, Prince, enemy, best friend, long lost friend, childhood friend), only to find out that Lelouch had assumably fled to the countryside with C.C. of all people.

If Suzaku were being honest with himself, he'd say he wasn't surprised. But, if he were being honest with himself, he'd have to fess up how betrayed and undeniably jealous he felt that Lelouch wouldn't tell him what was going on, but would tell and even go with C.C. After all, there's no way she could have 'always watched him', because wasn't she in that container? Wasn't she...

In the morning he wakes up feeling refreshed for once, lying on his side with a hand draped over the shoulder of a healed Lelouch (L.L.?) at his side, sleeping as if everything is right in the world and nothing could ruin the peace.

Right now, almost everything is right. There's a rebellion being planned to hit the Empire sometime soon according to Schneizel's sources, and Schneizel is away in Japan enjoying his vacation. Nunnally wants to know who Lord Zero is, and apparently Lelouch is alive- which is either a good or bad thing depending on who Suzaku asks.

He has enough sense to slip away from the bed, clad in dark plaid boxers and a black, sleeveless shirt clinging to him like a second skin; his bare feet touch the floor, and he's careful not to look too carefully at his hands. Creeping over to the mini fridge he had Schneizel stash away under his desk, Suzaku kneels down and lazily tugs the handle to open it.

Surveying the contents briefly, he furrows his brow: pudding he got just yesterday from Kanon, gelatin that Euphemia gave him as a thank you present (because he said he wanted it after she insisted), and some weird concoction that Cecile had sent him a day earlier. The thought of eating it makes him grimace sleepily, his stomach churning.

Suzaku eventually decides on the gelatin, pulling it out and closing the tiny black freezing mechanism carefully, so as to not wake Lelouch up. Then, his free hand moves to the lowest drawer on his left and opens it smoothly ("You want me to clear it and put... silverware in there, my Lord?"), grabbing a silver spoon with that same hand before shutting that drawer with his elbow.

Standing only to sit on the chair nearest to him and the dest, Suzaku peels the white top away just enough to leave it hanging before he digs in. Slowly. Every fiber of his being is thankful that Lelouch is sleeping so soundly, because he just hates eating in front of-

"Nn... 'zaku?"

-- fuck his life. "Yeah?" He answers around a mouthful of metal and lime-flavored deliciousness.

Much like a cat, the (twenty-year) immortal on the bed stretches out under the thin sheet over him, arms and legs shaking a bit, bones popping and hands balled into fists. He settles back down soon enough, seemingly having fallen back asleep; Suzaku cautiously swallows and goes in for another spoonful, having the vague feeling that he's been unwillingly lulled into a false sense of security. Schneizel would do that sometimes: pretend that he fell back asleep when he's really just watching his Lord go about his morning routine.

One somewhat unfortunate downside to occasionally sharing his bed with a brat- an exciting downside though that Suzaku, of course, welcomes with opens arms in his otherwise half-uneventful life.

Just like Suzaku thought he would, Lelouch starts up again, "If you were hungry, I could have gotten up and made you something."

Then, just like the day before, the brunet actually takes a moment to think about that. Lelouch's food is always really good from what Suzaku remembers, and he honestly would not mind eating it. "I'm a picky eater," he says after two heartbeats, setting his half-finished gelatin on the desk. Because, damn it he's not going to eat in front of Lelouch. No how, no way.

That, and Suzaku never really has much of an appetite these days. After he did the deed of doing Lelouch in, his attitude towards food diminished with his actual want to eat, much like it did during the stretch of Zero Requiem. After all, it's a little hard keeping yourself hungry with the knowledge that you were going to kill your best friend soon, even more so that he even agreed to do it.

It makes him wonder if Lelouch died thinking that he hated him.

"Really," the man-kitten drawls from the bed -- sounding a lot like C.C. -- violet eyes opening in confused disbelief to watch the other nod. "You weren't like that before. You used to shovel whatever you were given whether you liked it or not."

"People change," Suzaku mumbles with an indifferent shrug. And then, donning that conversation over, he reaches over and up to finger under the stack of documents on his desk. "Are these finished?"

It's Lelouch's turn to shrug. "They wouldn't be there otherwise."

"Alright."

Ending that, the brunet gets up from the chair and starts walking over to the closet (fixed with new doors). Out of the corner of his eye he can see Lelouch sitting up and watching him shamelessly, expression closed off and otherwise unreadable. He ends up wiping the look from his mind as he slides the closet open, yanking one of Zero's (his) suits off a hangar and turning away. His knee bends back and upwards, and his foot nudges the door back closed before he walks to the bed and sets the suit down without a word.

And, Lelouch just watches him unashamedly, eyes taking in tan skin and scars that will never heal when Suzaku undresses fully and heads to the bathroom to shower. When he hears the water turning on- and then off, as Suzaku comes right back out and puts his boxers back on. Lelouch lets himself look the way he's feeling again (confused) for a moment as Suzaku stretches out longways, sinew and muscles untensing and relaxing into fine mush, before he figures out that Suzaku is going to exercise.

Midway through pushup number twenty-three he speaks up, "You're so dedicated." For once, it's not sarcastic, instead a tad bit fond in lieu of his observation.

The other doesn't pause in his workout when he answers, "I don't want to get rusty and out of shape."

Funny that he would say that when Lelouch could, without utmost sincerity, say that it would be impossible for that to happen.

"Do be careful, then. I wouldn't want you to pull a muscle," Suzaku stiffens and Lelouch sighs, "Too late?"

Suzaku doesn't answer until he's finished, lying face down on the floor under the pleasant buzz of the workout. "Not too late. I stretched, so I should be fine."

'Fine' being a relative term; Lelouch takes it to heart, and he smiles a bit before waving his hand. "Do me a favor?" Suzaku grunts as way to acknowledge him before he continues, "Turn over on your back. I want to see that scar on your stomach."

Watching Suzaku stiffen again, the elder lets out a smooth laugh. He's seen it before -- once, at least -- when C.C. and Suzaku dragged themselves to the meeting point (together, which immediately threw Lelouch off). He remembers it being the angry, violent red of a really bad burn encompassing his stomach area, and it just looked so, so bad. Even after three months, Suzaku hadn't fully recovered; he didn't take it to heart though, and Lelouch supposes that's more than he could ask for. As long as Suzaku kept living, then everything was right in his world.

Lelouch's mind comes back to reality when he sees jagged ridges and smoother skin still, focusing on the darker scar tissue. It healed well, he thinks; but, there's still a bit of scar left over, and immediately he knows that that will never go away.

"That enough?" Suzaku inquires after a while, a brown brow lifting as he sits up. He sees the other nod, prompting his to stretch out longways, arms in the air.

When he gets up and walks back to the bathroom (throwing his boxers on the floor somewhere to the right of himself), Lelouch follows him. He doesn't pay it much mind, instead slipping into the shower without a word. Just because Lelouch followed him doesn't mean he's not going to take a hot, well-deserved shower. Not even Lelouch's presence could keep him from doing that.

It doesn't stop him from not closing the shower door, either.

What Lelouch keeps him from doing, though, is bending over at his waist to turn the dials, because if he did that the ex-Emperor would just end up with a faceful of- of, well, ass. And, that's never very pleasant for anyone.

It figures that even with the war brewing, Suzaku still worries about the ridiculous bother of manners. In front of someone he killed, no less! Lelouch take half a second to wonder about Suzaku's priorities and uses the other half to snort.

"You haven't changed much, if at all," Lelouch pipes in sometime before the usual ritual of Suzaku washing his hair. "You're still you- with a few perks here and there, of course."

"Ah," the other responds, craning his head to peek out behind the double sliding glass doors. "I wasn't aware you were watching me." Like Schneizel does.

Which is something of a half-lie in the way of him being aware of sharp eyes on him all of the time- just unaware of how closely they were examining him. He'd pay better attention next time and watch what he's doing more carefully now.

Looking back to the tiled wall in front of him, Suzaku reaches for the shampoo, arm stretching out yet again. "What were you looking for, anyway?"

Sitting on his knees beside the shower, Lelouch leans on the glass doors with his cheek pressed up against the cold, smooth surface. He doesn't speak for a while, letting Suzaku go about his business in the shower before he decides to talk.

"Nothing in particular. I just find you very interesting- and I do wonder about your relationship with Schneizel el Britannia!" He's starting to sound like Milly, Suzaku thinks as he leans back again to listen to Lelouch talk. "Tell me: are the two of you dating?"

Suzaku opens his eyes then (correction: opens his left one to peek at Lelouch), seeing that Lelouch has brought a fist up near his thigh as if he were a reporter, looking every bit amused. It's an improvement from before, when the old king would snarl and sneer and smirk when he'd talk about Schneizel and Schneizel's cheap shots to the solar plexus. Needless to say, he likes this improvement.

And so, he humours him, "He's my aide." And occasional bedmate. "A Prince of the Empire- my Prince." Lelouch's expression darkens slightly and Suzaku has to give himself a quick mental pat on the back; he also has to reach down -- just once, the only time he promises -- with a wet hand to tap Lelouch's closed fist with his index finger. "Is this thing on?"

Watching Suzaku's peaceful expression (the first in many years, Lelouch assumes), violet eyes soften to take it in: rough, but warm hands, gentle green eyes when he opens both of them, smooth, jagged skin on his stomach that Lelouch gets a peek at as he moves further into the shower before it's hidden by steam, and quirked lips.

Lelouch uncurls his hand and reaches out-

-- only to have the once-knight recoil as if he were being burned. He imagines his king is once again perplexed and can't help but feel bad. Very bad, really; so bad that it shows on his face and makes him reach down with the hand he used to touch Lelouch's fist to amend it with his own hand, tentatively brushing stray black locks out of Lelouch's face and behind his ear. He whispers 'sorry' over and over again, kneeling down and leaning in so that he can brush their cheeks together in a brief touch.

It's an affectionate gesture he usually only shows to Schneizel and Nunnally (Euphemia once had a brush with his mask, as well), but it has more or less the same affect: the hurt is eased away and Lelouch's shoulders untense. This is another moment in time where Suzaku can't help but think Schneizel and Lelouch are more alike than they want to be.

Lelouch calms to the point that the other can pull away to settle back under the running showerhead. Worried eyes watch the one outside the waterworks, lips pulled into a thin line as Lelouch's hand enters his personal space bubble yet again, touching his calf and lazily drawing simple circles into his skin to see if he would try and back away from the touch again. Suzaku feels when the other male does get too touchy (when five fingers make their presence known on the soft skin of the back of Suzaku's calf) and very nearly curls in on himself; however, he resists it through sheer force of will, sighing when a finger brushes against the more ticklish skin under Suzaku's kneecap.

"You don't have to force yourself." Another brush higher on his skin. "If you don't want me to touch you, then you should tell me."

"It's not that I don't want you touching me," he says while squirming -- not away from or near the touch, just in spot -- the water splashing when his hand comes up to wave a bit. "As long as you don't turn out to be as affectionate as C.C., I guess it really doesn't matter."

Even if he might understand why C.C. would lean over Lelouch and press her lips to his whether he was awake or asleep ("Oh? Are you jealous, beloved knight?"), it doesn't mean he wants it for himself. Waking up to Lelouch's lips anywhere near his body is something that sounds (pleasant) weird.

Lelouch's hands, on the other hand... he could live with that.

Speaking of... "Lelouch, remove your hand from my thigh," Suzaku forces through a sneaky sigh.

That only warrants a laugh from the instigator and a teasing touch to his inner thigh. Green eyes immediately narrow accusingly as the other pulls his hand away and out of the shower, away from the now aggitated man trying to become one with the shower wall.

"Do you hate my touch so much?"

An already overworked brain thinks back to a moment in time when Lelouch was Emperor and everything was close to being okay in Suzaku's world- a peaceful time before Pendragron became just another hole in the ground under the brutal force of a FLEIJA warhead.

--

Sitting on the couch closest to Lelouch's toom, Suzaku sighs heavily and leans forward with his elbows on his knees. His hands come up to fold together, the frustration evident on his face. He's more than tired too, eyelids dropping to half-mast, bags dark under his eyes; he has enough sense to pinch the bridge of his nose briefly before shaking his head to get the thought of sleep out of his head.

Yet another day when he would walk in on them kissing. Granted, he couldn't tell them to 'get a fucking room' ever-so-kindly again because they were in Lelouch's room already, but really. 'Get another country' is more like it -- definitely what he really wants to say, truthfully speaking -- but, they'd just go to Area 11 and piss the deceased Prime Minister's son off.

It's the exhaustion speaking, he tells himself as he closes his eyes and kicks his legs out, leaning back against the couch. His hands drop to his sides, settling there comfortably; he's just too busy to sleep. It's a surprise that he even found time to come in here and sit on the couch.

Vaguely, he notes the sound of the door opening, but doesn't care enough to see who it is. The only ones who know the code to get in, after all, are the black pawn, black queen, and-

"Are you not feeling well, Suzaku?"

-- the black king himself, His Majesty Lelouch vi Britannia, who earns himself a wary, narrow-eyed glare from his knight, Suzaku Kururugi.

The ten-year-old in Suzaku sneers and tells Lelouch to 'go away no one likes you get out'; the more reasonable and mature eighteen-year-old side closes his eyes again and thinks about his exceedingly distant happy place (telling himself it's by Euphemia's side, protecting her as her knight).

Apparently it's not enough to make Lelouch go away, because soon he senses someone near him; not too soon after, there's a hand on his forehead and hot breath on his lips-

Suzaku darts away like a frightened animal, instincts kicking in as he becomes intent on kicking his emperor in the gut. However, he holds himself back, his knee only bending threateningly.

Lelouch glares. "You would dare raise a hand to your Emperor?"

To his credit, Suzaku only winces a tad before answering, slowly, "No, Your Majesty."

"Unbend your knee and sit properly, knight."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Sit still," Lelouch orders quietly.

"Yes, Your Majesty."

And, before Suzaku can give him a suspicious look, Lelouch leans over him again and presses his hand back to his forehead. The knight goes to jerk away again, eyes wild and more green than his childhood friend has seen them in a long while, but cold hands in a cool room clamp down on his cheeks to put his movements to a grinding halt.

Lelouch's forehead knocks against his gently, resting there so that he can check his temperature. Soon, the older male's brow furrow and the worry paints itself clearly on Lelouch's pretty face. Why the king would worry, he doesn't know, but when a hand runs through his hair (soothingly, Lelouch probably hopes), Suzaku decides that he really doesn't care anymore.

"How have you been sleeping?" A delicate pause. "Answer my questions truthfully or I will strip you of your knighthood and make Kallen my knight instead. I'm sure she would appreciate the position more than you do."

Why Lelouch didn't knight her instead to begin with, the defiant side of Suzaku doesn't really know. Or care, for that matter; his Emperor already messed up his relationship with her, last he heard. C.C. didn't exactly keep it too much of a secret when Suzaku first asked about what happened.

The begrudgingly submissive side ends up speaking, "It does no good threatening me, Your Majesty... I get little sleep. When I do sleep, I don't stay sleeping for long."

The Emperor's eyes sharpen and then soften at that. "I see," he says, taking a second for a few individual thoughts to work themselves out. "Am I giving you too much work? No... there's no way that's possible. Is that witch keeping you up with her whimsical chatter, then?"

Neither nor. Seeing Lelouch's irritatied scowl, Suzaku speaks up quicker than last time; Because, while he may not particularly like C.C., she doesn't need to feel the full brunt of Lelouch's wrath. "It's just insomnia, Your Majesty. There's nothing else to it." At least, he hopes so.

There's silence then, thick enough to slice with a knife, uncomfortable and stiffling as they watch one another. The king seems deep in thought once again, forehead still pressed against the other's much warmer one, hands now stroking Suzaku's hair absent-mindedly. The knight, one the other hand, feels highly displaced, but is far too afraid to move.

Finally, Lelouch asks, "What would help you sleep?"

His fingers slip from the messy mop on top of Suzaku's head to bury themselves in the curly locks over his neck, the cold tips threading through to teasingly touch what Suzaku's double-collared uniform does not cover. Warm breath ghosts over Suzaku's lips and Suzaku, for the life of him, can't figure out whether or not he should push Lelouch away.

Thoughts immediately run through his mind (what are you doing what is he doing push him away hold him close) and then crash as if they had already been a trainwreck waiting to happen when lips nearly brush against his own. Suzaku narrowly escapes the intimate contact, that mistake-waiting-to-happen by jerking his head back hard enough for something to crack. Immediately, he regrets the actions because of ow fuck pain.

Lelouch is quick to act, a hand running through his hair again to try and take his mind off of the stinging pain while the other hand insistently pushes him down the couch by his chest so that he's lying down. There's an amused smile on Lelouch's face as he shakes his head and sighs deeply through his nose.

"Take the rest of the day off. There's nothing left for the Knight of Zero to do, so stay in here and sleep. I'll fetch you some blankets and a pillow and change the code so that C.C. doesn't get in," he says, quietly, looking at Suzaku's lips for a moment before moving away from his knight to do all of those things. When Lelouch says he's going to do something, then he's going to do it, regardless of who he has to Geass to move out of his way.

Later, after Suzaku has woken up and Lelouch has fallen asleep with C.C. no where to be found, Suzaku kisses the side of Lelouch's face as a (kiss good night) 'thank you' before heading back to the made bed in his own room, collapsing face first into the pillows at the head of the bed.

He sleeps dreamlessly and soundly that night.

⇨ ❝part two.❞